Nightmares
by KesslynB
Summary: Post-Countdown. How does Beckett deal with the aftermath of the events in Countdown?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This is a post-Countdown fic, so spoilers up to Countdown.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. I just write about them for fun and make no profit whatsoever.**

Beckett stared after Castle as he turned away and headed to the elevator. "Good night," she called out after him, her brow furrowed in confusion.

'_What was he going to say?'_ she thought. If she were honest with herself, she had been hoping he was going to suggest they grab a bite to eat, relax and unwind together after the stress of the past couple of days. It wasn't until she felt a presence behind her that she understood the reason behind Castle's little eye flicker before he had made his excuses and left.

She turned around to face her boyfriend and smiled. "Oh. Hey," she greeted him as they hugged each other. Even as she pressed herself against him, she couldn't help but look back at Castle, as he walked to the elevator. Something was definitely wrong with him. He didn't look around, he didn't stop, and he didn't talk to anyone. Very un-Castle-like behavior. Was he really that tired? God knew, it had been a long couple of days, just as he said, but in all the time that she had known him, he had never seemed to run out of energy before, despite being called out at all hours of the day and night.

'_He doesn't hang around here to watch you with another guy.'_ For some reason, Esposito's long ago statement echoed in her head, but she quickly dismissed it. That was before he had gotten back together with his ex-wife, and gone away with her for the summer. And, in fact, he was still with her when they had returned, so she had started seeing Josh. Of course, Castle and Gina had broken it off again, so maybe he was feeling lonely.

'_So why didn't he sleep with Natalie then?'_ This time the voice in her head sounded like Lanie.

She was so lost in thought that she didn't even realize Josh had pulled away and was speaking to her until he wagged his hand in front of her face to get her attention.

"So I guess you found the bomb in time?" he repeated.

"How'd you know about that?" she questioned, sharply. No one was supposed to know about the bomb outside of the task force.

"Castle mentioned it in the ambulance after he woke up." Josh shrugged, unconcernedly. "I guess you found it or it would be all over the news by now."

"Yeah. Yeah, we did." She didn't elaborate. He didn't need to know that she and Castle were standing just a few feet from it when it almost went off. A vision of the timer as it counted down to zero flashed through her head, and she was grateful that he had pulled out of their embrace as she felt a tremor run down both her arms. She knew immediately what it signified and knew she had to get home soon.

"Sorry, Josh," she said and before he could repeat what he had been saying, she blurted out "I don't think I'm going to be very good company tonight. Hell of a day, you know? Rain check for tomorrow?"

Josh stared at her, and she could plainly read the hurt on his face, but she needed to be alone. Reaction from the past couple of days was beginning to set in, and for reasons she wasn't quite ready to analyze, didn't want to be around him when it hit her full blast.

"Sure." It came out more like a question. "I'll call you when I get off shift?"

"Yeah, that's fine," she replied. She watched as he, too, got on the elevator and left the precinct. She stepped into the breakroom, and somehow managed to avoid eye contact with the guys. She told them she was heading out and, without waiting for a response, she gathered up her things and walked out.

CB CB CB CB

As she stood in front of her door, Beckett's hand started to shake, just as it had in the breakroom, and it took her a moment longer than usual to insert her key into the lock. Knowing she had little time left before the events of the days crashed down on her, she locked the door behind her, dumped her things on the couch, and headed directly to the bathroom. She ran the bath as hot as she could stand and added an extra dose of her favorite bubble bath, before stripping down and sliding in to the steaming water.

She held it together long enough to turn off the water when the tub was filled nearly to the brim, and then simply sat there and let the shakes come, not even daring to lean back and brace herself against the back of the tub. The water sloshed around, but she had made sure to leave enough room so it wouldn't spill over the sides. She wasn't sure how long she sat there, but finally they subsided, and she realized the water had grown tepid. She gathered the strength to drain the tub and refill it with fresh hot water and bubble bath. This time she allowed herself to lean back and just sink down until only her head was above water.

She laid there, letting the heat from the water work its magic, helping her relax, until the water once again grew tepid. She was sure she looked like a wrinkled prune, but the bath had done the trick and she felt significantly better mentally, even if she was bone-deep exhausted.

She stood up and gave a little gasp as the cool air hit her wet skin. She grabbed the towel and dried herself off as rapidly as possible. She wrapped the towel around herself and put the robe on over the towel, before going into her room and changing into a pair of old NYPD sweats. It wasn't her normal choice of attire for around the house, but the chill had brought back the feeling of being in the freezer again, and the sweats were warm and comfortable.

She went back into the bathroom, and picked everything up off the floor. She put the now-wrinkled clothes into the laundry basket and put her gun in its box on her dresser, along with her father's watch. She'd had to buy a new box after the last one was destroyed when her apartment blew up, and she'd decided to go for a fireproof one, just in case. She preferred the warm wood of her previous one, rather than cool metal, but at least she wouldn't have to worry about her father's watch again.

Restless, she padded around her apartment, and debated ordering some food for delivery. She didn't have to stick her head in the fridge to know that there wasn't anything to eat, and even if by some miracle, there was, she sure didn't feel up to cooking and cleaning up afterwards.

Deciding against food for the moment, she double-checked to make sure her door was locked, and picked up her things from the couch where she had tossed them. She placed her keys in their usual spot, and took her cell phone out of the coat pocket before hanging it up in the closet, and took comfort in knowing that her apartment at least was back to normal, even if she wasn't.

She went back to her bedroom, turning off lights as she went. She set the phone down on the nightstand by her side of the bed before pulling back the covers and crawling in, hoping sleep would come quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Thanks for all the kind reviews. And many thanks to Arafel for her support and encouragement. Without it, I would never have gotten the courage to post this. Many hugs, dear =)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. I write for fun, not profit.**

On the nightstand by her bed, Beckett's phone vibrated, indicating an incoming text. She stared at it for a moment, before picking it up and seeing the message was from Castle. Due to his abrupt departure from the precinct earlier, she briefly debated on reading it, but opened it and read the two word message.

'_You awake?'_

Before she could second-guess herself, she typed out a reply. _'Yes.'_

She was expecting an immediate response and was surprised when it took over a minute for him to send another text.

'_Can I call you?'_

Becket frowned. He never asked permission to call her. Something must be wrong, she thought, before it dawned on her that he probably thought that she and Josh had gone home together and he didn't want to interrupt anything.

Instead of sending an affirmative text, she pressed the "Call" button on her phone. He picked up almost immediately.

"Hey."

"Hey, Castle. What's up?"

When he didn't answer, she became even more concerned. "Castle, what's wrong?" A thought struck her. "Is it Alexis? Or Martha? Are they okay?"

Castle found his voice and was quick to reassure her. "No, no, it's not them. They're fine. In fact, I just got off the phone with them." He hesitated again, and Beckett felt her heart begin to sink, a sensation which was not alleviated with his next words. "In fact, they've convinced me to join them in the Hamptons for a few days, spend some time with them." When he paused again, Beckett wondered briefly if he was thinking about inviting her again, like he did last summer, but all he said was, "I just wanted to let you know I was going to be gone."

Beckett's heart dropped, and she wondered why Castle telling her was going to be gone for a few days with his family felt worse than when Josh had said he would be leaving for an indeterminate time to save people in Haiti.

Castle must have sensed that she wasn't going to respond, and began talking again. "It's just for a few days. Alexis hates missing school, and knowing her, we'll probably be back sometime Tuesday night for her to go back to school on Wednesday."

Somehow Beckett found her voice, and managed to say, "You'll call me when you get back?" Even to her own ear, her voice sounded strained.

"Of course," he readily agreed.

"Tell them I said hi."

"I will."

They both fell into an awkward silence, finally broken by Castle. "Well, I'd better go."

"See you on Wednesday?"

"Yeah. See you on Wednesday." There was another pause and Beckett momentarily wondered if he was going to say something else, but then she heard a softly spoken "Bye," and the line went dead.

Beckett set her phone back down on the nightstand. She knew she should try to get some more rest, after all it had been a long day, just like Castle had said, but she realized her mind was much too active now. She placed her pillows up against her headboard, leaned back into them, and settled down to think. She didn't often get the chance. _Well, to be honest,_ she thought, _she didn't often take the time._

But a lot had happened over the past couple of days, and she needed to process things mentally before she could relax enough to sleep.

She intended to start at the beginning of the case, work her way through it, beginning to end. Usually, it worked well, but tonight, she couldn't focus on the case. Instead, her mind kept drifting back to Castle.

What was he going to say before Josh showed up? The look on his face in the elevator reminded her of how she felt last May when Gina had interrupted her confession to whisk Castle off for the summer. She wondered if Castle had recognized the similarities. He was pretty observant, so he might have, but emotions had a way of clouding the sight, so maybe not.

She closed her eyes, leaned her head back, and let her mind drift. The first thing that popped into her head was her confession in the quarantine tent. _I wish that someone would be there for me._ For some reason, her mind shifted to the freezer. _Thank you. For being there for me._ His response had been simple. _Always._

She finally drifted off, but that night, the nightmares began.

CB CB CB CB

_She and Castle were sitting side by side at the coffee shop on 4__th__ and Main. He hadn't even changed his clothes and was still wearing the plaid flannel shirt he had on when he answered the door. It wasn't a look she was used to seeing on him, but it suited him._

'_Who the hell is he then?'_

'_He's someone I trust,' she said, and she could literally feel Castle's eyes staring at her, but he remained silent._

_The shot came through the window, shattering the coffee cup, piercing the heart of the victim. She drew her gun, ducked behind the booth, and shouted for everyone to get on the ground. Still shouting for the people to stay away from the window, she heard Castle's voice._

'_You've been hit!'_

'_I'm fine. It's not my blood,' she replied, still looking through the window, attempting to locate the shooter._

The dream, one she had often since that day, changed on her.

'_No, it's mine.' She spun around at the familiar voice, and saw Castle instead of Raglan lying on the floor of the diner, blood pouring out of the wound in his chest._

'_No!' she cried out as she rushed to his side. She grabbed a stack of napkins and placed them over the wound, applying as much pressure as she dared. 'Don't leave me, Castle!' she shouted, even as his eyes slowly went blank. She sat back on her heels and stared in horror as the gunshot wound morphed into stab wounds identical to the ones on her mother's body._

'_Castle! No!'_

"No!" She sat straight up, aware of her heartbeat racing, hearing the sounds of her harsh breathing as they echoed in the empty room. The need to speak to Castle, to reassure herself that nothing had happened to him, was so great that she was reaching for her phone to call him when she noticed her hand was shaking. She was stunned at the evidence of how much the nightmare had affected her and she stared at the appendage in disbelief. Sure, she was prone to nightmares, had been ever since her mother had been murdered, but after her time in therapy, they rarely affected her to the degree that she was physically shaking.

She looked at the alarm clock. Three thirty in the morning. She knew that trying to go back to sleep before she calmed down would be futile. She pulled her knees up, laid her arms across them before dropping her head on her forearms as she attempted to get her heart rate and breathing back under control. It took longer than she expected because flashes of her nightmare kept going through her mind.

When she thought she could manage it, she got up and took a quick shower to wash off the cold sweat, and was surprised to find her hands still shaking just as bad as when she had first woken up. After she showered, she pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and an old t-shirt and went out to the living room to pace, cell phone in her hand. She was still fighting the urge to call Castle and the only reason she hadn't yet was because of their last conversation. She didn't know if he was leaving for the Hamptons later this morning and was asleep, or if he had left last night and was either driving or already there and asleep.

When six o'clock finally rolled around, she took a longer shower and got herself ready for work, using extra concealer for the bags under her eyes as a result of her mostly sleepless night. When she arrived, she resolutely pushed her nightmare to the back of her mind and dove right in to the paperwork to close the murders of Amir and Jamal. Even though the DHS had taken over, and their murderers were in federal custody, the paperwork still had to be filled out.

When Ryan and Esposito came in, she gave them a half-hearted wave to acknowledge them, but stayed focused until the last form was completed. After she finished, she sat back in her chair and only then realized how late in the day it was. Now that she was no longer concentrating on the paperwork, she realized that not only had she skipped breakfast _and_ lunch, but that she also hadn't had any coffee since arriving. And once she was aware of that fact, that and the lack of sleep manifested itself into a slightly throbbing headache that only threatened to get worse if she continued to ignore it.

With that in mind, she made her way to the breakroom and made herself a triple shot of espresso. As she swallowed the first sip of the potent brew, she didn't think she was more grateful to Castle for buying the machine for the precinct than she was right then. Although she had resisted at first, Castle had been right when he had described the cop coffee as 'monkey pee in battery acid.' The man definitely had a flair for the dramatic.

She smiled at the memory. Unbidden, his face came to mind. She had studiously avoided thinking about him since arriving at the precinct, and had, in fact, deliberately not even looked at his chair. Now she took a moment for herself and closed her eyes, bringing his face, with his trademarked boyish grin in place, to her mind, but even as she took comfort in the sight, the image changed.

A bullet hole, just like Amir and Jamal's, appeared in the center of his forehead. Blood dripped down from the wound, marring his features, and his eyes went blank, just as they had in her nightmare. The coffee mug crashed to the ground, shattering into pieces, and drawing the attention of Ryan and Esposito, who came rushing to her side.

She stared at the broken mug in horror, before saying a few choice words and grabbing some paper towels and a trash can. She shrugged off the boys' offers of help and set about cleaning up the mess herself, cursing at herself the entire time, not even noticing when Ryan and Esposito slipped quietly from the room. Dumping the coffee-soaked paper towels and broken shards into the trash can, she stood up and fought the urge to deliver a vicious kick to the undeserving receptacle. '_Damnit! What is _wrong_ with me?'_

She debated making herself another cup before deciding to simply call it a day and head home. After shutting down her computer, she checked out with Captain Montgomery, said bye to the boys, and headed out, stopping by her desk only to get her jacket from the back of her chair.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Sorry this has taken so long for me to post. Sometimes work is the worst of the four letter words. Many thanks for all the continued reviews and story alerts! I appreciate them all.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Castle; I just like to have fun with him. Err, it - the show - I mean. Yes, I meant to say I have fun with the show.

_Kate raced up the stairs two at a time, Esposito right behind her. On the second floor, she whipped out her gun and without waiting for the signal from Esposito, she kicked open the door and rushed in. Her eyes scanned the room quickly, and saw nothing moving. On the floor were two figures, one still tied to a chair, and both were unnaturally still._

'_Castle!' she cried out, recognizing him as the one tied to the chair, and she rushed to him, dropping to her knees beside him._

'_Ryan needs an ambulance,' she heard him say as she began to work on the knots._

_A groan came from the other man. 'No, I don't.' She barely heard Esposito say something in response. Her entire attention was on the man in front of her. She finally freed him, but he remained unmoving._

'_Castle,' she said again. She rolled him from his side to his back and her eyes widened in horror. There was a small pool of blood on the front of his shirt._

'_Jerry. He was the Triple Killer,' Castle explained, unnecessarily. 'He shot me for ruining his plan.'_

'_Don't talk. Save your strength,' she admonished him. She looked around desperately for something to press against the wound._

'_It's too late, Kate. He knew what he was doing.' His voice was fading. 'He wanted me to live long enough for you to find me.'_

'_Castle - Rick - don't let him win. Stay with me!'_

For the second night in a row, Beckett woke up abruptly and jerked herself into a sitting position. Her heart was once again pounding, and she struggled to draw in air. Not waiting for the shakiness to pass this time, she stood up and paced around her apartment, fighting for the control the nightmare had taken.

After she thought she had herself under control, she sat down on the couch, covered herself with a throw, and tried to relax. She was grateful she had the foresight to send Josh home after dinner earlier. When she asked him to leave, he had the same look of confusion and hurt on his face, but like the day before, he didn't argue. She knew she wasn't being fair to him. After all, he had stayed in the country for her, to give their relationship a chance, and now she seemed to be pushing him away. She knew he deserved better than to be brushed off; she just didn't think he would be able to understand why she was having nightmares about Castle. And more importantly, she didn't feel like trying to explain it to him. She rarely ever discussed specifics about her work to Josh.

Rather than dwell on her nightmare, or her relationship, she tried to imagine what Castle would say if he were there right then and wanted to relieve her tension. She imagined it would be something suggestive, something along the lines of _'I know a great way to relieve stress.' _And then he would wink, deliberately lascivious.

She would grin, even as she rolled her eyes, and reply_ 'In your dreams, Castle.' _

Her daydream continued.

'_There, too,' he said, smiling broadly. _

_She rolled her eyes again. 'Get a grip, Castle.' _

_His eyes twinkled. 'Where would you like me to grip, Detective?'_

'_Reality would be a nice place to start,' she teased._

'_You know what the problem with reality is, Detective Beckett?'_

'_It's real?'_

_Castle chuckled and she had a moment to wonder what outrageous thing he would say. She had gotten pretty good at taking it all in stride but sometimes he still managed to surprise her._

'_No, Detective. The problem with reality is there's no background music.' He looked at her, expecting her to be pleased with his observation._

'_What?' she exclaimed. 'That doesn't make any sense.'_

"_Sure, it does. Think about how many lives would be saved if they heard the ominous music playing!' His face turned thoughtful. 'I wonder what song they would be playing for us right now?' he mused._

'_Probably _"They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!"'_ she retorted._

_He laughed. 'Why, Beckett, I had no idea you were familiar with Dr. Demento.'_

Kate drifted off with the sound of Castle's laughter echoing in her mind.

CB CB CB CB

She was awakened by the sound of the alarm going off in her bedroom. She grabbed the throw and went into the bedroom to turn off the alarm, dropping the throw on the bed as she passed. Amazed and thankful that she had been able to get back to sleep, she got herself ready for the day and was at the precinct before either Ryan or Esposito.

Despite the nightmare of the night before, she felt more light-hearted today. The day flew by as she joked around with Ryan and Esposito, but in the back of her mind lingered the thought that Castle was due back that night.

CB CB CB CB

Beckett arrived at her apartment after work and set the single bag of groceries on the counter. She had stopped by the store on her way home, but nothing had looked or sounded appealing, so she only grabbed a few necessities. Although she didn't normally drink coffee at home after work, she made herself a pot and let it brew while she dealt with the groceries.

After pouring herself a cup, she sat down on the couch, covered herself with a throw, and tried to relax. While she was at the store, Josh had texted her and said he wouldn't be able to come over later, due to an emergency surgery he needed to perform. When she felt more relieved than irritated, she chastised herself and set about making herself dinner.

After she had cleaned up, she sat on the couch and tried to read, but her thoughts kept wandering to Castle and if he had returned home yet. After an hour of sitting there, debating internally, she finally picked up her cell phone and pressed Castle's speed dial before she could talk herself out of it.

"Castle." At the sound of his voice, warmth spread through Beckett, but to her ear, he sounded distracted and wondered if he had even looked at the caller ID before answering. In the background, she could hear the sound of typing and she mentally winced.

"Hey, Castle."

"Beckett!" The surprise in his voice confirmed that he had answered without looking. "Hey! We just got back home about an hour ago. Did another body drop?" The sounds of keys clicking never stopped.

"No, no body this time. I'm sorry if I interrupted something."

Still sounding distracted, he replied, "No, you didn't. I think my mother is _still_ unpacking, although where all those clothes came from is a mystery, and Alexis is on the phone with her boyfriend, so I thought I'd take advantage of the quiet and get a little work done."

Beckett hesitated. "I'll let you get back to it."

"Don't worry about it. Real-life Beckett always takes precedence over paper version Nikki." Even as Beckett's mouth gaped open in shock, she heard what could only be the sounds of his feet hitting the ground, a few more keystrokes, and finally the sound of his laptop being set down on his desk.

"If it's not a body, what can I do for you, Detective?"

She could tell she now had his undivided attention, but she was still struggling to grasp the implications of his last comment and she wondered if he had even realized what he had just said.

"Beckett?" His voice was full of concern.

When she still didn't answer, his concern deepened to worry. "Kate? If you don't say something, I'm going to think this is another Jerry situation."

Hearing Jerry's name brought back the memory of her nightmare and she physically cringed at the reminder. Suddenly just listening to Castle wasn't enough. She _needed_ to see him. Before she could think about it, she asked, "Can we meet for drinks?"

If Castle was surprised by the invitation, she couldn't hear it when he answered without hesitation. "Sure. Drinks are on me though, so why don't we meet at my bar?"

"Alright. Twenty minutes, at the 'The Old Haunt?'"

"I'll be there."

CB CB CB CB

She arrived at the bar and was surprised to see it was fairly busy for a Tuesday night. Looking around, she saw several cops that she recognized from the precinct, and wondered what they were doing here.

This wasn't their usual cop bar. She shrugged and made her way to the bar, nodding at the few officers she made eye contact with but didn't stop to chat.

She wedged in between two other men she didn't recognize and got the bartender's attention. Not having been here since Castle had bought the place, she was stunned to Brian come over to take her order. She knew that he had been skimming from the previous owner and she had just assumed that Castle would have fired him first thing, especially since Castle had been the one to call him on it to begin with.

If Brian was equally surprised to see her, he didn't show it.

"Detective Beckett," he said in greeting. "What can I get for you?"

"Vodka martini," she answered, careful to keep her voice and face neutral, as the man to her right turned around to stare at her.

As Brian moved off to make her drink, the man spoke up. "Detective, huh?"

She could tell that while he wasn't drunk, he definitely had already had a few. Mentally sighing, she replied a bit brusquely, "Yes," and turned away from him, hoping he would take the hint. She had forgotten that single women sitting at the bar were considered fair game.

As if he had read her mind, Brian arrived with her drink and asked "Would you like a table?"

She looked around again and saw they were all occupied. When she turned back, he was grinning. "Pick one out. I'll take care of it."

Normally she wouldn't take him up on his offer, but she just was not in the mood to deflect advances while she waited for Castle and instead, she pointed to a table in the corner, one that was away from the crowd and provided a little privacy.

He came out from behind the bar, went up to the occupants of the table she had picked out, and after a brief conversation, they got up and mingled with the other patrons at the bar. Brian gestured and she gratefully sat down, facing the door so that she could watch for Castle.

"Thanks."

Brian set her drink on the table and smiled. "No problem. Boss's orders. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you."

Before she could help herself, she asked, "What do you mean 'Boss's orders?'"

His smile widened. "Let's just say I have a lot of standing orders regarding you."

Before she could determine if he was teasing her or not, her attention was drawn to the door as it opened and revealed the man under discussion. Without her realizing it, her breath caught just before her whole body relaxed at seeing him. She would deny it vehemently if asked, but she drank in the sight of him, her eyes traveling over him, mentally replacing the disturbing images from her nightmares with the reality of him. He was wearing jeans and one of his solid blue button-down shirts. He had apparently forgotten his jacket and his hair looked like he had being running his hands through it, but to Beckett he had never looked better.

He stood just inside the door, his eyes scanning the room until they landed on her. She watched as the tension left his shoulders and she was touched that he really had been worried about her. Their gazes locked and Castle grinned before making his way to her table. He paused briefly before sitting down across from her.

"Hey, Castle," she greeted him.

"Hello, Beckett."


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Castle." She greeted him as he slid into the booth, across the table from her. Visions from her nightmares tried to assail her, but his being there, in the flesh, comforted her. She could not tear her eyes away from him, visually reassuring herself that he was whole, healthy, and _alive_.

"Hello, Beckett." Was it her imagination or was his voice a little deeper? A smirk teased at the corners of his mouth. He waited until after Brian had set down his own drink and moved back to behind the bar before joking, "Couldn't wait until tomorrow to see me?"

Reacting to the accuracy of his statement, she dropped her gaze to the table and she realized how tightly her fingers were laced together. She deliberately unclenched them and picked up her forgotten drink and took a sip, more for something to do than because she wanted a drink. As she set the glass back down on the table, she forced herself to match his smirk, and countered "Maybe I just wanted free drinks."

He tilted his head just a fraction. "You don't need me here for that," he stated, reminding her of what Brian had said just before Castle had arrived.

She raised one eyebrow. "'Boss's orders,' right?" She expected him to squirm, and was surprised when all he did was shrug.

"Yes," he confirmed, unexpectedly serious. "Free drinks for you; half price for Ryan, Esposito, Lanie and Captain Montgomery; and a discount for any member of the NYPD."

"So that's why there are so many cops here tonight," she observed, before giving him a direct look. "Why?" she asked, knowing he would understand what she meant.

"My way of giving back." He smirked again, and leaned across the table, beckoning her closer. When she moved forward, they were so close their heads were nearly touching. He whispered conspiratorially, "Besides, having all these cops here keeps Brian honest."

Beckett couldn't stop herself from chuckling, and felt the rest of her lingering tension drain.

Castle sat back, smiling, and studied her for a moment. "I forgot you probably know more than half these officers. Do you want to go somewhere else, somewhere more private? It would still be my treat though."

Beckett contemplated his offer. The officers at the 12th were used to seeing them together, so she wasn't too worried about any gossip from them, but the idea of not being around other people held some appeal. Before she realized what she was saying, she replied, "How about your office downstairs? It's private, and the drinks would still be free."

Castle merely cocked an eyebrow. If he was surprised at her suggestion, he masked it well. He simply stood up and gestured for her to follow. She picked up her drink and slid out of the booth to stand beside him. She took a moment to bask in his body heat before he moved, going to the alcove that hid the entrance to the downstairs office. He activated the mechanism that revealed the staircase and gestured to her. "Ladies first."

She descended the stairs and as the room came into view, she was amazed at the changes. "Wow, Castle," she said, suitably impressed. "You've had a lot of work done here." She stood just inside the doorway, looking around.

Beckett listened with half an ear as Castle went around the room, pointing out various changes. There was a full size sofa against one wall, along with a sink-yourself-into chair and small coffee table. There was also a new area rug covering most of the floor. The desk had been cleaned off and now held two computer monitors. He had kept the antique lights, but had added to them to help with the lighting.

Grinning, she looked at Castle, who had gone quiet. She tilted her head towards the bookcase, which now held copies of his own books. "Still work?"

He matched her grin. "Of course. But it's on rails now, for easier sliding. And it locks from the inside here, so no one can use it to get in from the sewers."

"Smart."

"I thought so," he teased, but there was a thread of something else and she thought it might be tension.

She took a moment to really look at him for the first time this evening. Before, she had been too focused on chasing away her nightmares. Now that she was studying him, she saw the signs of exhaustion and tension that she missed earlier. There were the slightest hints of shadows under his eyes, and his shoulders were tensed up. She wondered if maybe he had been having nightmares as well, or if something else was bothering him.

Her look turned to one of concern. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered, grinning and shrugging his shoulders. "Why wouldn't I be?"

This time she saw through his façade easily. Something was seriously wrong and she debated on whether or not to call him on it. Maybe this time, she should be the one to speak up first. Decision made, she walked over to the sofa and lowered herself onto the cushions, sinking into them further than she was expecting. _'This would make a good napping couch,'_ she thought, momentarily feeling the effects of the past couple of nights of interrupted sleep. She resisted the temptation to just curl up and returned her attention to the man at the center of her disturbing dreams.

She waited until he sat in the chair and angled herself to face him. "Do you know why I wanted to see you tonight?" she asked, her casual tone belying the significance of the question.

He hesitated, but opted for humor again. "You mean besides the open bar?"

She didn't let him dodge. "We went through a lot this past weekend. More so than normal. We've been in danger before, but this-" She paused to think of the right way to put it. "This was more intense. The quarantine tent, the gun battle, the freezer, and then the bomb. In all my years as a cop, I've never been through anything like that." She stopped to gauge his reaction.

Castle was staring at her. In his eyes, she saw empathy, but underneath she thought there was a hint of trepidation, fear and hurt. The fear she thought she understood, but the hurt? Where did that come from? Did he think that she was going to tell him to stop following her? Didn't he know how much she _needed_ him? That despite his sometimes childish behavior, he kept her grounded? Or maybe _he_ was thinking about calling it quits between them. After all, he had done so before. Even though the circumstances were different, maybe the events of this past weekend had him re-considering the wisdom of following her around.

Uncomfortable with the direction her thoughts were heading, she stood up abruptly to pace around the room, avoiding Castle's gaze. "I wanted to make sure you were okay," she admitted, hoping he couldn't tell that it had been for her sake instead of his. And although initially the reason was selfish, now that she could see he had been - and still was - suffering, she was worried about him. If she could get him to talk, maybe she would find her own answers, without having to admit anything. She turned and saw him still sitting there, unmoving. Patiently, she waited until he finally dropped his gaze from her to the floor.

When he spoke, his voice was pitched low and she had to strain to hear him. "I didn't tell Alexis or my mother anything."

"Anything?" she prompted.

"I didn't tell them anything about the bomb," he clarified. "Other than that the 'situation' had been handled. I didn't tell them _how_ it had been handled, or that we were standing right in front of the bomb when it almost went off. They knew about the freezer, of course, but I just couldn't tell them anything about the bomb." He ran his hands through his hair and over his face, before slumping back into the chair. "I think they knew anyway."

"Castle." When that failed to get his attention, she crossed back over the sofa, and sat down close enough so that their knees were nearly touching. She leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees, and spoke again. "Castle."

His tormented eyes met hers, and she hoped for the right words to bring him comfort. "You're not wrong for wanting to protect your family. Sometimes, the best thing we can do for them is to spare them the details."

He expelled a deep breath. "When I refused to talk about it, they seemed to accept that. It doesn't erase the guilt though."

"Just give it time," she advised, and was glad when he appeared to at least consider what she was saying. "For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

He tilted his head. "Did you tell Josh?"

The question took Beckett by surprise and she barely stopped herself from jerking back away from him. _'Why in the hell is he bringing up Josh now?'_ she thought, and nearly snapped out a brusque reply. She took her own deep breath to settle herself before answering honestly, "No. He simply assumed we had found it in time. I didn't feel the need to tell him how close it was."

"Spared him the details?" he asked, dryly, tossing her own words back at her.

Beckett stared at him, trying to determine if he was being sarcastic, serious, or something else. When she couldn't read him, she decided to tell him the truth. "We don't talk about my work much, so he doesn't ask, and I don't tell," she told him bluntly.

A look of surprise flashed across Castle's face, but was masked so swiftly that Beckett wondered if she had really seen it. Instead, all she saw now was concern.

Before he could probe further, she tried to divert his attention, and lighten the mood at the same time. "So what did you do at the Hamptons, if you weren't bragging to Alexis and Martha about your heroics?"

His eyes narrowed, but she smiled warmly to let him know that she was truly grateful for his actions that day. She knew he had saved them both, even if she did tease him about his impulsiveness.

He seemed to take the hint and grinned in return. "They wouldn't have believed me anyway, not without a sworn, written statement from you."

"That'll be the day," she chuckled.

"Are you telling me that you don't include me in your formal reports?"

"Of course I do, Castle. Mostly about how much a pain in the ass you are." _'Or were,'_ she mentally added. In truth, she had come to depend on him a lot more than she liked to admit.

His smile seemed more genuine. "But I'm a _useful_ pain in the ass."

She couldn't help herself and laughed. As she did, she noticed the tension leaving Castle's shoulders and that he was finally relaxing.

Maybe it was time to admit something out loud.

She smirked at him. "That, you are, Castle. That, you are."

CB CB CB CB

**Author's Note:** _Originally, this was just going be a post-_Countdown_ fic about Beckett dealing with everything that happened during it and _Setup_. As it stands now, I think it's a pretty good filler about how they got from the end of _Countdown_, where everything was a bit off between them, and _One Life to Lose_, where everything is back to being okay. I might continue it later and take it AU, if the inspiration strikes - and I do have some ideas about that - but at the moment, I'm marking it as complete. Thank you to everyone who took the time to review, put it on alerts, or favorited (is that the right word?) it. I really do appreciate all of them. Please let me know what you think!_


End file.
